I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
