He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You did what with his pubic hair?
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