I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
