I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
