Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
