Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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