I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
