She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize