Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
