It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
