dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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