They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
