The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
