The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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