I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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