Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
