Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She needs sedatives and a leash
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize