Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
