Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
