Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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