Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
