walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
