You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
