Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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