Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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