Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
