I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
