Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
