Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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