You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I need a beard to bite.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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