When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
did i walk over a car last night?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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