he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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