Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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