No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Drunk is a universal language darling
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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