two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
