Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
