I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
