If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
