somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
