I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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