Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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