actually, I'm a sock model
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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