just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
