you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
