I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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