you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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