Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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