Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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