Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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