im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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