i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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