does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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