Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
