So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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