don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
