i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
