you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
