The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
