i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
